What do you do when you’re told someone touched your child?

I never in a million years thought imagined I would be writing a post like this.

I picked my 3 (almost 4) year old up from school today.

It’s just a normal day like any other.

Until…

Her teacher tells me that C is allowing other kids to touch her. It’s unintentional, harmless play BUT she is allowing it in her pants.

WHAT????

She said she spoke to C about not letting her friends do that. And C is just so nice, she says it’s okay.

IT’S NOT OKAY!

My stomach hurts writing this.

I decided to wait till we got home, so both of us could talk to her together.

I asked her what happened today. Who was touching her. Where? Why? Who? When? Where?

First, she tells us that they were giving her hugs.

Okay, no big deal…

She tells me that a boy in her class touched her underwear.

WHAT THE HECK?????????????????

I asked her to show me how. She does.

I think I am going to throw up.

This is not the first time we have talked to her about touching. We tell her ALL THE TIME that NO ONE touches her down there.

How could this happen?

Why did no one see it?

I’m still in shock.

I’m trying not to be angry at her.

I’m angry. I’m sad.

What do we do now?

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About the Author

In 2010, Hanan went from talking about her parenting ups & downs on private forums to discussing them with literally everyone on the internet with her blog Eat.Craft.Parent - since then, she’s had the opportunity to talk about parenting, cooking, photography, marriage, crafts, faith, and so much more. She also shares her opinions on everyday products from food to baby gear, and everything in between. With four little girls all under seven, there is never a dull moment in their home. When she’s not blogging she’s chatting about parenting and life in general on Facebook and Twitter, or wasting way too much time on Pinterest.

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  1. @husskl says:

    Oh God. This happened to my niece. Exact age, exact thing. The bigger issue here (which seems hard to imagine) is WHY this boy is touching. in my niece's case, it turned out his dad had been molesting his older (7 yo) sister. MY sister is the one who uncovered the whole horrible truth and the jackass killed himself before being investigated . So horrible. Most kids do what they see, so I hope someone cautiously investigates what is going on with this boy. Good luck to you and your little girl.

  2. Sonya P says:

    It's a terrible experience, but children are curious about body parts, especially those we're constantly telling them are nono spots. While it's completely frustrating and confusing and overwhelming, your best bet is to buy a doll, or use a doll she owns, and discuss body parts, explain things to her. Help her understand what each part does, and why it's not ok for certain parts to be touched or shown. Tell her mommy and daddy doesn't do that. Don't worry, it's just a phase. Curious minds that are learning. You may also talk to the teacher and make sure the boy's parents were notified. It's also a concern as to why boys and girls are being left unsupervised alone long enough for these things to happen.

  3. Jolee says:

    :-( I'm so sorry….Online, I'm only going to say I can relate…..we had "something" happen. Praying for you. Think (and pray, if you do that) long and hard about how your are going to respond and make everything about that response "IN. HER. BEST. INTEREST." It's funny (poor choice of word) how easy it is to loose that as the central,guiding principle. Make her safety first no matter what. Ultimately, developmentally, she needs to know that she was protected, even if that doesn't cross her mind today. blessings.

  4. Alicia C. says:

    Um… geez, I don't know what to write here. Sounds like the kid whose idea it was in the first place should be talked to be someone (I don't know who) to see where this idea even came from. And maybe your daughter just needs a major refresher course on the no touching thing. So many times, kids think that strangers are the only bad guys around and need to be reminded that anyone can be a "bad" guy. It's such a terrible thing to have to tell innocent children. You don't want them to be afraid of everyone all of the time, but you also don't want then trusting everyone – even the people they should be able to trust. I hope you can figure out a way to explain it all to her.
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  5. Lindsey says:

    That's a tough one, and I really don't know what to say. I'm so sorry. I think the first place to start addressing this would be with the school. Hang in there.

  6. Tanyia says:

    omg… how on earth do you deal with a situation like this, indeed. Seriously, my mind is boggled I could not even think what I would say or do or how to approach this! Just know that I feel for you. I can't imagine…
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  7. Oh my…I am angry and sad with you. I don't even know where you begin with this but you are right to not be angry with her. I would definitely follow up with the teacher and ask what she suggest.

  8. RaeO says:

    I feel sick. I would make sure that the teacher also spoke to that little boy's parents. I'm assuming this boy was the same age and also doesn't understand why it is wrong to do what he did. If he is older, then I think you should speak to his parents because that would be even worse! I'm sorry this happened.

  9. Aleksandra says:

    Oh dear god! That's awful! I'd investigate and consider changing your child-care situation, pronto. Someone should be watching them much more closely. Thank god my daycare has cameras.

  10. Vivi says:

    Firstly, I need to say this:

    "Her teacher tells me that C is allowing other kids to touch her. It’s unintentional, harmless play BUT she is allowing it in her pants."

    ALLOWS? What adult uses THAT word to describe what is happening? As if it is the child's FAULT?! How about the kids that are doing it? How about the adults that ALLOWING it to happen?!

    Are you kidding me? Let's think about saying that the four year old is the one ALLOWING it?!

    I'm floored by that!!!

    • That's one of the first things I told my husband!! Why are they allowing it?? All her teachers are amazingly great, but how could they have allowed her to allow it. I am going to talk to them tomorrow morning about it for sure!

  11. Maria says:

    I totally agree with PP that WTF is the teacher saying she was ALLOWING it?? NOT COOL. Blame the victim? Nuh uh. That other kid needs some help.

  12. Jessica says:

    I'm so sorry. It really isn't her fault, but it is great that you reinforced the fact that she needs to say NO and not allow others to touch her there. I think there needs to be a discussion with the school as to why the children were not supervised and this was allowed to happen. And also check into the other child/children that were touching her.

  13. Tina says:

    I think a meeting with the teacher and "manager" or whatever you may call it is important – immediately. Without the children. I don't even know what else to say… I, too, am confused by the teacher's way of telling you… it doesn't sound right to me… :P I think the other child's parents need to be talked to as well – and she said "allowing childREN"… so has this happened with more than one child?

  14. Brooke Anna says:

    My stomach churned as I read this aloud to my fiance'. I swear he about had to pick up his jaw from the floor. You hear about this, but never expect it to happen to, you. My daughter will be 3 next monday and I can not fatthom this happening. i hope it all works out, and that it has not caused her any mental instability. I have been working on the same "No one touches you" scenario with my little girl and so far she has the hang of it. Only thing is, shes never been in a child care situation.
    It makes me wonder what happend to this little boy or what he sees on a daily basis.

  15. raop says:

    Oh my god. i just found out this is happening to my niece in grade 2. i am throwing up, i dont know what to do to help her.

    • First thing is make sure the teachers are talked to! Just be there for her and let her know that stuff is not healthy and should not be done! Feel free to email me if you want to talk more!

  16. Amom says:

    here's what i am dealing with, my 4 year old daughter acting out on toys because my 4 almost 5 year old nephu touched her in her "naughty area" what do i do say how do i act. i feel sick. My nephu learned it from someone that used to live with thems kids. but still for him to wait to now to act out. and now how do i address her acting out on/ with her toys. and only under blankets she wont do it in the open.. where do i go what do i do from here to make sure she doesnt try to act out on other kids???? Please HELP!

    • First and foremost, I am no doctor or psychologist. What I would recommend (opinion only) is buying a couple of books that are geared towards kids, that talk about good touch/bad touch (or like my dd's teacher's say unhealthy touch). They need to learn that NO ONE touches them (anywhere really). Hugs and high fives are okay. Comunication is key! Good luck with your daughter, now is the time to get her to understand!!

  17. CD says:

    I just came across this post and am thankful I did.
    We are going through a similar situation with my daughter. She was naive and boys from her class asked to touch her and see there.
    Where is the supervision?
    I see why people home school.

    • Hanan says:

      I’m sorry you are having to deal with this. I’m not a teacher, so I can’t say…but I think one teacher to 20 kids (or so), it could happen. For us, we continue to talk to her, and remind her often.

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